Some weeks ago, I’ve made a post about the problems with my voice. Since a while, singing was getting harder for me. It happend so suddenly, I am not as flexible as before, I got problems on hitting notes that I hit before. An another problem is that I am not able to sing over 5 minutes, because after the 5 minutes everything is getting really hard. My throat is getting worse especially after sneezing, I even can’t talk really much. Otherwise I’m feeling the pain for ca. two days.

So there are just 2 weeks left for the appointment that I’ve made at the hospital. Well, today I was by an ear, nose and throat specialist, and it was found out that my voice box is open(Dysphonia). That seem to make the singing and speaking harder.

Im singing since I was a child, and I already often wrote that there were days, where I practiced from day or night to the next night. I can remember that I really had no clue that I there would be such a thing like Voice Damages. So I’ve sung and scream, I tried out so many things. My voice had to go trough so much, that I was and am afraid of having a vocal fold nodule.
Even singers who get trained professionally get this after a while. A bunch of singers, like Miley Cyrus, or Daesung, Senguri (from Big Bang), Tiffany(SNSD), Jung Yongwha (CNBLUE), Wheesung even Madonna and more. Most of these people got trained from early childhood days, and they started having problems at my age.

I don’t get trained, and am very relieved to say that it is actually not as bad as I’ve seen and heard in some videos. The Dysphonia was caused by using a wrong breathing technique, as much as I know: It seem to cause a vocal fold nodule by getting undiscovered.

Whatever, nobody knows… I didn’t cancel the schedule at the hospital, so I’m going to get some more detailed tests and hope that they’ll discover nothing new

I’ve been watching a lot Asian Dramas and Movies. One Drama end’s and an other one will be broadcasted instead. That’s also what happen on the Turkish TV Channels too, but I usually dont watch TV.

The First Drama I’ve seen was a few years ago. I found it on youtube and always wanted to watch more episodes and looked for them all over the internet but I didn’t found anything. At that time I also didn’t know much about Korean Dramas.
One Days I found an oppoturnity to watch Asian Movies. One of the first Movies I’ve seen was a Japanese one and then I found 200 pounds beauty. That was when my addiction really started xD.
I don’t have much luck with picking out movies, I wasn’t statisfied with most of them. For expample, many people like A Millinaires First Love, the titel Song Insa is amazing but the movie itself was just boring to me.

The Best Korean Drama I’ve seen is Bad Guy. Amazing Story, love the actors. Through this Drama I became closer with the music of Brown Eyes, because Yung Jeop is singing the Original Soundtrack, and I am addicted to this song since the Drama got Broadcasted. I even listened to it over thousand times, again and again, one time after another, but It never annoyed me. I love every Soundtrack of this Drama. Shim Gun Wook (Kim Nam Gil) plots revenge against the Haeshin Group, a large corporation to whom Hong Tae Sung (Kim Jae Wook) is the heir.

An another Drama, which I also really loved watching is Autumns Concerto. It’s an Taiwanese Drama, the first episode was hard to watch. And the Aunt of Mu Cheng Annoyed me the whole drama. But the Story was very touching, about a really cute couple, how they found themselves. Through Autmuns Concerto I found out about Vaness Wu, an singer of the Band F4. He has a blog which I read sometimes. I’m also following him on twitter, its quite interessting.

Guang Xi, a cocky law student, seems to lead the perfect life. He’s the sole successor to a huge and famous business and a talented ice hockey player. But in reality, his lonely life lacks joy, laughter and motivation. That is until he meets Liang Mu Cheng, the new bento seller at his school canteen. A harmless bet brings the two together and Guang Xi slowly changes as Mu Cheng teaches him how to give and love.

Iris speaks for itself. It’s a different drama, more western style. This one also had amazingly, really amazingly, good looking, beautiful and sexy actors.

Boys Over Flowers and You are Beautiful are very popular Dramas, anyone who knows Korean Dramas know this two Dramas. Beautiful Actors. I liked both at the beginning, but after a few episodes the storys became annoying, but I still watched both until the last episode. I think they are overrated.
The management company of the idol group A.N.JELL insisted on adding a new singer to the group as the lead vocal, Tae Kyung’s voice was hurting. However,the new member, Mi Nam, had to go to the States to repair a botched eye job just before signing the contract. His agent came up with the idea of having his twin sister, Mi Nyu,to stand in for him and pretend that she was her brother…

Other nice Drama’s are for expample Personal Taste, Coffee House, Oh My Lady,
Cinderella’s Sister, Down with Love, Prosecutor Princess, Stars Falling From The Sky. They are still nice but not as amazing as Bad Boy, Autumns Concerto and Iris and Queen Seon Deok.
Dramas I started watching and still doing are ; I am Legend, Born of a Rich Man, Pasta, Summer’s Desire,
Road No. 1 and the Variety Show “We got married”. Im looking forward for Don’t Hestitate, My Fair Lady, World Within, I Love You, Don’t Cry

Yesterday I got back from my trip to TURKEY!!! It was amazing, the bright weather, the people  and the atmosphere. The people were extremely nice, totally different from the Turks from Germany. The people’s faces where so bright, so SUNNY, NICE. They were so open hearted, everyone was always Greeting. Sometimes, I was afraid to be unpolite by saying anything hahah.

For several reasons I have to stop singing lessons for a month. I started taking singing lessons with many positive feelings and was very happy to be able to take this lessons. After a short time I noticed the postive results and started focusing on learning and improving as fast and much as posible. This throughts seemed to cause me too much pressure, I was thinking to much that was why I couldn’t relax and became fraught.

This mindset caused me  a voice damage. It’s not just hard to sing, it’s also hard to speak. I get weak when I start using my voice. For the next few weeks I’ll have to stop singing and let my voice recover. After this I’ll probably change my teacher and let everything happen more slowly.

Next week I have 3 times vocal lessons one after another. I’m amazingly happy about this but I’m also excited because we are going to record the stuff for the audition.

I appreciate that god gave me such a passion. Otherwise how would I be able to survive.

As an early Child I’ve had really hard times but somehow I didn’t noticed, everything was so depressing. Everyone saw that I was going crazy, I cried so much because of so many misunderstandings.
I was a looner, had no friends, people used to fool with me like toy. People where I thought that I was close to them didn’t took me seriously. Even my parents didn’t noticed how serious the situation was. I had to wait for so long to get out of this mess. Being nice and innocent gave me so much pain.
After those years, I changed the school and at the same time my personality too. I already noticed that I was being too nice to people, I was angry to myself for being so foolish. I tried to be strong, my personality became to one of a boy. I tried to protect myself and my only friends. I didn’t hide it, everyone was able to see my anger. People started to leave me alone, teachers started to like me because of my protective personality. And now? I’m tired, I’m tired of protecting people and protecting myself. I don’t care about others. I don’t care what they do or who they are.

You are wondering why I’m talking about this. Its because all the time, I had something in my heart, that helped me to be strong and happy. The thing in my heart, no one can take it out. The only thing that fills my heart is music. For me music is not a addiction nor a hobby, it’s in my blood, its my life, “music breathes with me” ~ GDragon. I seriously don’t think that I’m able to live without music.

I hope that God has plans for me. Pray, Pray for me and help me to get picked in this audition. I would give more than my best to make them satisfied, I would train so hard at the same time I would be happiest girl in this World.

Somehow I feel totally sick these days. I can’t sleep over night and am sleepy over the day. The worst is that I  don’t have any strength to sing even if I want to. My throat feels strange, it is totally uncomfortable to sing. Being sleepy and uncomfortable is the best combination of not being able to sing. This fact makes me crazy, because I’m going to die. I didn’t sing that much the last few days. It could be because of the weather, it’s already something like 30 degrees or so on. I’m really not just depressed, It feels like the death is with me all the time. I’m drinking as much as I can, but It’s doesn’t help really much. It’s just annoying because I feel like an balloon.

The singing lessons today were really worse. The train was canceled and I was late over 15 minutes. I ran as fast as I could, even though my feet hurted because I forgot to wear socks, so my shoes were killing me. I don’t now if my singing teacher really can help me to organize the audition material, since I’m taking lessons only once a week.
I even dont know exactly which songs I should use yet. I’m sure that I will sing a song of Gummy, because it is easy for me the song with emotion, and It’s also a song where I get really excited while singing.
About the second song : I’m sure that I’m going to choose an English song. I dont know, I’m always changing my mind, because I get bored so easily.
It’s actually enough when we just sing two songs, but maybe I’m going to make a collabration of my own songs. Oh, today I recoded myself while dancing, and this is actually the first time I was doing this. I’m surprised, I think that I’m actually not that bad, that why Im going to make a choreography and send in a danc video :D.

Currently, Im engaged with preparing the audition material for an application. Someone will take the needed pictures of me. Hard to realize that my chances are smaller than a peanut, since there will be many other gorgeous people who will apply. Its like 0.00001% to 100% Im curious how many applications they will reach this time. The company held global auditions six years ago, and I don’t know if it is true, but It is said that 3000 people applied and no one got in. The Korean Music Industry has grown since then, so I think there will be a lot more applicants this time.
I still dont know which songs I’ll prepare for the audition but my singing teacher said she’ll help me to record them :D.

Singing lessons are amazing. Everything is so easy now, I improved a lot but I want to improve more. Its the best decision I have ever done. I hope that I’ll be able to take more lessons in the future. First noone knew about, me taking singing lessons, especially my dad. I was afraid to tell him, because he used to hate my passion to music. Im honest, currently Im giving out my whole money for singing lessons. I didn’t buy anything for myself the last few months. Its still hard but I dont think anything could make me that much happy like singing lessons. I can’t avoid the big smile on my face, after leaving the building.
Im giggling and laughing and just thinking, wah “im happy, too bad that it was just an hour”.

A week ago my dad went with me to the singing lessons. My teacher was able to calm him a little down, but she can’t understand why he’s getting upset about my passion. She also doesn’t understand his worries. Hes not listening and saying the same things over and over again, eventhough if I tell him that I will definitely continue going to school. Im not this kind of person who gives up when something is going to be hard, but he doesn’t want to understand.

So many people are blaming me for my passion. I even lost so many friends because of this. I hate to say, that people were jealous and I also hate it when they get jealous. But its the truth. Some couldn’t accept me getting attention because of my skills, and some wanted to have the same ability.
Some were openminded and told me that they wish to have the same ability. To say the truth, once I envied the people who told me all these things. Even when I can’t avoid such feelings I would’ve never thought about betraying or hurting anyone on purpose. Its like im being cursed because of the passion to music/singing, but no matter how much bad luck I(‘ll) get, nothing except the death will be able to stop me.